just an obsurvashun

October 1, 2012

Lonely Companion

Filed under: Uncategorized — smacky @ 12:37 am

It’s 1:00 AM and I can’t sleep because I’m worried about things I have no control over, regretting things I cannot change, and admonishing myself for losing sleep about it. If you’re paying attention, you may notice that I just laid out the opposite of the serenity prayer without really intending to.m I could say the prayer for comfort, but it’s meaningless to me right now. You see, I’m spiraling deeper and deeper into a pit of depression at the moment. I say “at the moment” because I know it will pass. However, (also at the moment) there is nothing that can stop it and nothing will make me feel better; I just have to ride it out. I know it WILL end–I just don’t know WHEN.

Why I feel the need to share this with the Internet is something I haven’t yet figured out. Perhaps the answer will come to me in the sharing. Perhaps not. I think part of it is that I don’t want to bother anyone. I know people care about me and want me to be happy. If I bother them with this, I will also have to pretend that they can fix it and then pretend that they have fixed it so they can go on with their day knowing they have helped someone they love get through a tough moment. I know there are professional fixers out there, but I can’t afford to pay someone to have this conversation with me:

“My life is good. I’m really lucky. I’m sad and feel completely useless for no apparent reason.”

“What do you think the reason is?”

“There are plenty of reasons but none of them seem big enough to warrant this kind of reaction.”

“Well, we’re out of time. When can you come back next week?”

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. And I have something wrong with me that makes me want the professionals to feel they’ve done a good job so I tell them I feel better when I don’t always. WTH is that all about? I’d say I’m a caretaker, but I’m really no good at taking ACTUAL care of people. I am most definitely a perfectionist.

So here I am telling the Internet that I can’t sleep because my husband, cat, and parents aren’t going to live forever and I may never make A Difference in the world and there’s nothing good on TV now that Doctor Who is on hiatus. In the morning, these things will not matter so much, and I can make a joke and laugh them off with a hollow chuckle. But here in the pitch black of night, they are the only facts that exist.

My constant companion is loneliness, despite the hoards of people who let me know all the time how much I mean to them. I am paralyzed by the thought that I don’t matter, despite the daily signs and reassurances that I do. I am crippled by what I haven’t gotten done and blinded to my many accomplishments. This is how my depression manifests when it manifests. And I guess I’m telling the Internet because if someone out there ever feels this way I want you to know that you are not as alone as I (and you) feel right now. And it will pass.

Please share your love and shine your light. You never know who might need to see it.


1 Comment »

  1. You’ll never walk alone. I heard that on Elvis’s hymns cd.

    Comment by anna — May 13, 2013 @ 9:03 am

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